Going "All the Way"
12/21/14 04:43 PM
We are living in tough times. Many of us are beset from all sides. Money, kids, jobs, spouses, war, illness, the economy, everything. And while we are trying to get by, we are barraged with celebrities living “the good life” and pop psychologists telling us “The Secret” is to indulge ourselves.
And then there is all this hysteria about passion. The ultimate experience supposedly is to “go all the way” with another. People who believe this are generally talking about passion and particularly sex. How odd that “going all the way” is generally synonymous with the inevitable brevity of a “one night stand”. How odd too that in this context it is perfectly possible that one can never have more than a “one night stand” with the person they live with and in so doing never touch their soul.
But that is not real. Really going all the way means giving ourselves to each other in the form of respect and commitment and support. In the context of conceiving a child, it means giving the child a chance at life. For a child, it means trusting your parent or an adult who cares about you, because at a certain point you have nothing to lose in trusting. For a parent, it means keeping the child or entrusting it to the care of another.
In raising a child, it means staying up with her when she’s hungry. It means being the one who soothes his crying at 3 AM, or being the one who can’t soothe him, but you stay with him anyway. It means being thrown up upon and still holding her. It means hurting when she’s hurt, or giving up on a dream so he can have his. It means being a parent when you don’t know how to be a parent and coaching when you don’t know how to coach. It means quietly letting someone else coach when they don’t know how to coach. It means using your hands to hold him when you’d rather use your hands to hit him. In sports, it means being a fan when he’s not the best one and being even more of a fan if he’s disabled and can’t even dream of athletic glory. It means holding your child up instead of holding her down. It means being there and staying there, and being a safe haven even when he or she has done something dreadfully wrong. It means trusting your child, because at a certain point you have nothing to lose in trusting. It means being a savior instead of a judge and an advocate instead of a prosecutor, because who of us, really, can cast that first stone? It means showing up and being where you are when you’re there. It means giving up the better car for the better school. It means giving comfort without being asked, and giving approval on those same terms.
As a spouse, it means worrying more about being the perfect partner than having the perfect partner. Over the years, it means being willing to rediscover someone you thought you already knew completely. As a parent, it means being a refuge for your growing children and your aging parents. As an aging parent, it means being a source of perspective for your growing children and your growing grandchildren. As a community, it means caring for one another and treating each other not as objects but as other versions of ourselves.
“Going all the way” is a journey. It’s a living spiral. It starts as a gift bequeathed to us by our elders and becomes the same gift bequeathed to our children and grandchildren. It cannot be traveled alone. “Going all the way” implies that you go with someone; otherwise you haven’t risked enough to have had the adventure. It starts as a journey of one with another and becomes a journey of two with the world. It is risky and difficult to go it alone, without at least some kind of significant other. It is in the psychosis of isolation where fears grow huge and bend reality to seem to be what it is not. This is a psychosis that is so devastating but from which it is so easy to be rescued. All that is required is that we be there for each other.
“Going all the way” isn’t physical, and the most exhilarating experience one person can have with another isn’t necessarily physical. It is to be comforted. It is to be relieved; of pain, or fear, or guilt, or loneliness. So you want to “go all the way” with someone? A friend? A spouse? A parent? A child? A stranger in need? Then go to them, put one arm around their shoulder and say, “I am right here. I’ll be right here. And you’ll be okay.”
